Oh, COME On!

September 16, 2017

If you sent a middle schooler into the trading pit at the New York Stock Exchange and told her to “pick up a little orange juice,” you’d have about the same sense of bewilderment and abandonment I felt yesterday.

Chip – the kind, friendly nutritionist who guides my food choices from afar – flattered me the other day by saying “I think you’re ready to do a little detoxifying.”

This was very clever of him because I am a sucker for praise.

“Really? What should I do?”

“Here’s a recipe for a very gentle cleanse, and we’re going to make it even easier.”

He began crossing off things. “If you use the Vega All-in-One shake, you won’t need this flax fiber.”

Good. Flax fiber sounds like I’d be gnawing on a wall-to-wall carpet. Probably industrial grey.

“And you won’t need the liquid lecithin.”

Phew. I’m all out of liquid lecithin.

“But you’ll want some fresh fruit and some yogurt.”

Hey! I recognize those! I HAVE those!

“And pick up some walnut oil and some [and I’m copying carefully here] lactobacillium acidolphilus and Bifidobacterium bifidum.”

Um. Huh.

“It’s easy. You get it at Whole Foods. I think it’s on the “whole body” aisle. Here’s a picture of the box.”

Oh. Okay. Yeah. I can do that.

So today I braved Whole Foods. I’m getting really good at the raw cheese department and obviously the pumpkin seeds recognize their master when I arrive, but I don’t much venture into the interior of Whole Foods; I’m more of a shop-around-the-edges type, for fear I’ll fall into some alfalfa soap or hemp footwear.

But where Chip leads, I follow.

Of course, that only works when he leads…

I found myself standing in front of THREE sections of “probiotics” (I only photographed one of the three), and NONE of them said “This is what Chip says you need.”

Diet Start Cleanse. Ultimate Flora. Super Thislyn. Digest Smart. Ultimate Flora FIZZY. Ultimate Flora in a convenient capsule. Yum-Yum dophilus. Jarro-Dophius EPS. Each box toted increasingly outrageous promises of the vast content of goodness they enclosed, like “FIVE BILLION PER CAPSULE, EIGHT STRAINS!”

Or get the Intestinal & Immune Function & Health version; it has TWENTY FIVE BILLION.

I stood there, a stranger in a strange land, and felt utterly abandoned.

You might say – why didn’t you ask someone?

I reply, because would YOU ask a Whole Foods worker in the MIDDLE of the store for a probiotic recommendation? I believe that’s the actual legal definition of A Big Deal.

I simply didn’t have the courage.

I fled. I couldn’t even brave the search for walnut oil.

This detoxification is going to have to wait, by golly. That’s good; I wasn’t looking forward to drinking down an industrial carpet, anyway.


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