It was a toss-up; this blog post could also be entitled “Wincing.” In our heroine’s bravest move yet, I am hereby posting the bitter truth in three photos about why the pear-shaped female reaches for the tunic top as her go-to wardrobe staple.
(I don’t know what apple-shaped women reach for; I’m simply jealous of their ability to fit into an airline seat.)
Let’s begin on this nightmare road.
Here’s my first photo. Me in my adorbs new leggings after working out in balance class at Body Dynamics. The pants are gorgeous; I’m in love… even though they’re so thin and skin-tight that I feel really weird walking around the street in November. No breeze is too subtle to miss in these babies. Still – the look is good. I’d be happy pretending this was my truth.
Photo number two. I hiked up that nice tunic-length shirt to display the bulges where the body begins to “blossom.” Hip. Waist. This photo stops being so easy for me to look at. I’m not “you know – fine” any more. Still, the legs look all right, and I’m not too horrified.
A disclaimer before photo number three: I’m sorry to do this to you. It’s not something anyone wants to see – but I include it because I’m owning my reality. (In the first Game of Thrones book, Tyrion Lannister the dwarf advises Jon Snow the bastard to own his bastard nature; no one can hurt you with the shameful truth if you own it right up front. I’m too lazy to look up the quote, but it resonates in me.) Plus I feel it’s important to point out my bona fides as regards the fifth word of my blog’s title, “Amazing Adventures of a FAT Lady in Fitness Land.” Still merit the descriptor; thirty pounds and ten inches haven’t exempted me yet.
I know. It’s horrifying. It wouldn’t have been so assaultive if I’d had the photo taken in a non-patterned pair of pants, but isn’t that the point? Here are these groovy new leggings… but not all is well in the land of pants.
All I can say in my own defense is that this lumpy, bulging posterior now wears size 18 pants. At least I didn’t visit the image on you when I was still packing into size 22s.
By the way, the photo was VERY kindly taken by my most excellent friend Steve, the one who dragged me to Body Dynamics in the first place. Steve is the kind of friend you’d hand a camera to and say “take a picture of my butt,” and he’d do it without comment. If you have a friend like Steve, thank your lucky stars. Take him or her to lunch today. Without this decent, kind, funny person in your life, things would be much bleaker.
Bonus fourth photo as a palate cleanser. Steve is such a good guy he’ll forgive me for posting a photo when he’s making a face like that.