The Vow


The minute someone says about me, “I’m sorry – it DOES look like the early stages of dementia,” I am vowing now to bust out the ice cream. It’s going to be ice cream morning, noon, and night.

That’s not quite true. There will also be Crunchy Cheetohs in there. (You have to have some salty to make the sweet more enjoyable. Speaking of which – Reese’s peanut butter cups!)

And I will drink Coke. Not diet Coke. I’m talking – all the sugar. Teeth-rotting quantities of Coca-Cola.

Because at that point, I don’t want to have a body that will obediently clock along to the centennial mark if my brain isn’t going to come along.

This thought brought to you by THE OBLIQUES.

Barbara has me doing side planks every night, and I am now so heavily muscled that I’m going to need to find a lover after all, just so someone other than me can poke at my torso and say “Damn – there’s a lot of steel under all the blubber.”

(One hopes he will be more graceful than that in his commentary, but I’d be so pleased with the first half of the statement that I wouldn’t care much about the second half.)

To be sure, I still look like every bit of a 245-pound Marshmallow Fluff person. But under the fluff, I am RIPPED.

OH, HEY – I’m interrupting myself: Here’s why I haven’t blogged much lately: I’m launching my OVERWHELMING PUBLISHING EMPIRE as a romance writer. I have nothing published as YET… but if you’re a romance fan and are interested, you can check out my writer blog and sign up for my entertaining (!?) newsletter BLISS & GIGGLES if you go to . That’s where I’m going to be putting the majority of my energies for the moment, just so you know.

Back to our previously-scheduled brag-bitch:

I wake up in the morning and it’s just me. Life as usual. Then I stretch and suddenly muscles from armpit to knee are rippling like an anaconda. I walk around flexing my butt BECAUSE I CAN. And I feel myself up a disturbing amount; really, it’s just not seemly. But I remain astonished by just how quickly this next iteration of musculature has appeared.

I think about the ability to move. To walk, and bend, and catch myself before I fall, and I think – I’m heading for a nice, healthy old age. I’m going to be okay, toddling around Green Spring or wherever I end up.

Sure, I bitch about how much working out I’m doing. Want the list? Oh, please let me tell you! Monday I do Barbara’s low-impact cardio class – which is via Zoom; you could do it too; Google “Body Dynamics Inc.” in Falls Church, VA – followed by Tracey’s myofascial stretch class. Tuesday, I work one-on-one with Barbara, and on Wednesdays with Chip. He does stabilizer muscles and she does global muscles and they talk to each other – which is more than you can say for my stabilizer and global muscles, ho ho. Thursday I do balance class with Barbara (that’s the big Mac Daddy of Body Dynamics classes; this is the gateway drug to better health. Sign up for that one instead of cardio.), and then Gabby’s stretch class. And then Sunday through Friday, I do a home exercise routine (with side planks) while watching Rachel Maddow (it’s a big dose of Do It Because You Should lately; Rachel is most unhappy).

And on Saturday I walk around my house with my hands on my own butt, grinning because I don’t have to do any exercises.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah – sure, I bitch. That’s a lot of working out. But I’m strong as an ox. And that’s going to be valuable later.

Unless my brain goes – which in my family? It’s a real possibility. (They were all drinkers, though, and I don’t drink at all, so I’m crossing my fingers that this will make a difference in my inherited propensity toward dementia.)

And once the brain goes – Ben, darling! Jerry, my sweet! Together at last – as long as I can remember to demand you… because I want to go out fast once the thinker is detached. Talk about making sweet, sugary lemonade from lemons!!

Screen Shot 2020-08-09 at 2.53.33 PM

This is what I look like, under a generous snowfall of fluffy, insulating fat. Want to poke me in the belly? Go ahead – feel that!!



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s