Home Field Advantage

8.27.20

In the “It’s All About Me” category, I have to say – I’m loving one aspect of the pandemic, and that’s working out by Zoom.

I used to drive to Body Dynamics three days a week and work out there for an hour. Thursdays, I’d stay for two hours, because “Stretch and Roll” was right after Balance Class.

But now that Body Dynamics is in my basement (practically speaking), I’ve doubled the number of my classes, I’m spending NO time on the highway, and I’ve got my set-up worked out to a fare-thee-well.

Let’s look at the photo. What’s important here?

IMG_1223

Well, first is the presence of the amazing Barbara, seen here on the iPad demonstrating a typically-loathsome exercise. (In this case, she was showing her Balance Class how she wanted us to stand, feet flat and hips square, while we pretended to put the pillow we were holding on the imaginary high shelf on our right – and then (silly! Wrong shelf!) on the left. Over and over and over again. And again. And again.)

So the second wonderful thing is that I am on MUTE so Barbara can’t hear me say rude things to her. For example, “Christ God, Barbara – how many times do I have to put this pillow up here??” And she can’t hear me counting. “That’s forty-seven times. Forty-eight. Forty-nine. Are you kidding?? COME ON – say three more! Let’s get past this one. SAY THREE MORE!”

Then there’s the small clock on the table, by which I measure how much longer I have to endure this torment. “Don’t do that,” Barbara has told me. “Turn the clock around – don’t look at it.” Little does she know that without the clock, I would crawl out of the room and go find another clock by which to answer the question SERIOUSLY – HOW MUCH LONGER??

But you know what really makes the Zoom work-out bearable for me? See that vent in the soffit overhead? That’s air conditioning. I keep it shut (because the basement stays pretty cool) until the desperation and heat build up in me. I deny myself the paradise until I can’t bear it any longer.

Then I flip that little lever and ice-cold air washes down on me, resuscitating my will to live. Maybe I’m supposed to march from side to side across the room – but once the vent is open, my steps get really, really small so I can keep my sweating forehead in the direct stream of chill.

AHHHHHHHHH. Thank God.

If Body Dynamics installed blowers in front of every client and let her or him adjust the air that blew across their faces, I bet the satisfaction rate would skyrocket. Lordy, I just HATE working out… but I absolutely ADORE having worked out.

And air conditioning. I adore air conditioning.

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