A low, feral growl erupted from my throat, its only intended victim a quite innocent-looking man caught in my headlines as he loped through the crosswalk.
“That’s right,” I muttered through clenched teeth, “take your time, there, honey. No one else in this world but you. Grrr.”
Suddenly I stopped. What was WRONG with me?
Then I realized the trigger. This poor, unaware schlub was sucking what looked like a milkshake through a straw. Or maybe one of those frappuccinos that has no place in a Starbucks but omigawd, I may need another one.
It wasn’t me loathing that guy; it was the sugar monkey on my back – now morphed into a dragon. Not a pomegranate free-radical-fighting dragon; I’m talking about an “I’m coming for you, Jamie Lannister, and your wagon train of Diana Rigg’s gold” dragon.
It’s day four of the sugar reduction diet. I thought it had been going well until I found myself wondering if I could just tag the guy in the crosswalk; not hard, just enough to knock him over – and then, leaning out of the car like a rodeo trick rider, score the milkshake from his outstretched and desperate hands and keep on going.
I shook myself mentally and restored order. What was I doing? Right – grocery store. What did I need? Dishwasher tablets. A nice bottle of olive oil. Some white balsamic vinegar, the kind that doesn’t make your salad look sooty. A pint of Ben and Jerry’s, no, not that. No ice cream.
It’s creeping into my subconscious. SUGAR, MAN. Just a little taste.
Teeth gritted, I headed to my dinner at Cava. Good ‘n healthy… but wait. ARE LENTILS GRAINS? They’re delicious, so they must be a grain. I want them (bad), so I guess I can’t have them.
In fact, I put together a salad so nasty (and dressed it with simple oil and vinegar) that there it sits, uneaten, mocking me. NOW what will I do for dinner? How will I get my 2-6 minimum ounces of protein NOW?
Great big sugar monkey fangs are sunk into the back of my neck – which is EXCELLENT. The cravings have begun; now I only need to go a few more days resisting ALL grains and ALL dairy and ALL sweeteners and… uh… then something good will happen. Can’t quite remember what at the moment, but in Chip we trust.
Probably smart to give me a bit of a wide berth for a few days.