Solo

10.17.17

“It must be my fault.”

Maybe I never said it out loud about my weight, but I always thought it. I come from slim people, and the fact that I was “plump” or “pudgy” or what nice department stores in the 1960s and 70s horribly called “stylishly stout” had to be my fault – right?

I tried dieting. I tried exercise. I was miserable and every mouthful of food came with a looped tape of self-recrimination. Shouldn’t eat this (want it) shouldn’t eat this (want it) shouldn’t eat this (eating it).

So I thought it was me.

I WAS WRONG.

There was no way I could have gotten a handle on my weight or my health with the information I had. I was doomed to failure.

Now I work with Barbara at Body Dynamics in Falls Church, VA, and she doesn’t LET me do exercises I’m not ready for. She builds the muscles I’ll need before she asks me to use them. Not only do I not fail – but I don’t lose heart, either.

Barbara is slim and athletic by nature; she’ll spend this Sunday running the Marine Corps Marathon in DC because running is who she is. She’s never been fat… but somehow she knows how my body works, and she knows it better than I do. Her knowledge is changing my future.

(As are Grace and Gwynn and Chad and Chip.)

And what I realize now, after working with her and her team for over a year, is that THERE IS NO WAY I COULD HAVE DONE THIS ALONE.

Nobody can go solo – and it’s not our fault. We aren’t equipped to make the transformation. YOU HAVE TO HAVE HELP, and you can’t blame yourself.

I’m watching a pudgy, stylishly stout cocoon become a fantastic butterfly of strength and confidence and courage. I know this is a lifetime commitment, but as things get easier (and as Barbara equips me for more challenging exercises), I’m replacing self-blame with pride. This way is better!

Gorgeous rainbow butterfly digital art by Klara Acel, Fine Art America